Eliminated Self-Hating Thoughts

 Self-Hating Thoughts pic

Self-Hating Thoughts
Image: lifehacker.com

A graduate of New York University, Herbert Tannenbaum, PhD divides his time between private practice and serving as the executive director of the Center for Effective Living. Over the course of his career, Herb Tannenbaum, PhD has taught various workshops and training courses, including Imago Relationship Therapy workshops. Dr. Tannenbaum has also given a presentation on self-hatred.

Self-hatred can be extremely detrimental, but it is a problem that you can fix. Make an effort to think of yourself as if you are talking to someone you care about. If you have self-hating thoughts, those thoughts are most likely much harsher than anything you would say to someone you love. Instead of focusing on the extreme thoughts, try thinking of what you would say to someone with the same traits as yourself. Further, you must recognize that any negative thoughts you do think about yourself are not true. Each time you have a negative thought, challenge it instead of accepting it. This forces you to present evidence that disproves your original thought and helps you see yourself more positively.

Beyond changing your thoughts, you can try reading about people you look up to. Everyone makes mistakes in life, but focusing on mistakes in your past breeds self-hatred. Reading about the mistakes made by one of your heroes helps you accept your own mistakes and move your focus more toward the present.


Celebrate the Children’s After School Enrichment Program

Celebrate the Children pic

Celebrate the Children
Image: celebratethechildren.org

Licensed psychologist Dr. Herbert “Herb” Tannenbaum earned his PhD from New York University and has been in private practice for more than four decades. Working with couples and individuals, he assists with a wide range of psychological issues. Herb Tannenbaum, PhD also helps others outside of the realm of mental health through his support of such charities as Celebrate the Children (CTC).

As part of its mission to serve children with communication and relational difficulties, Celebrate the Children maintains numerous academic programs in addition to its regular curriculum. One of these programs is the CTC after school program. This enrichment program is made available to students at the CTC school, as well as students and peers attending other schools in the area. It is designed to help students with special needs find peer support and expand their education beyond the school’s normal academic hours.

Most of the CTC after school enrichment program classes are offered in three semesters. The school’s first semester lasts from September through December, while its second and third semesters run from January through March and from March through June, respectively. Each semester hosts classes for a wide range of ages and classes are available from Monday through Thursday. The actual length of each class varies, as does the cost of tuition.

The Greatest Yankees Pitcher of All Time?

Mariano Rivera pic

Mariano Rivera
Image: m.mlb.com

A member of the American Academy of Psychotherapists, Herb Tannenbaum, Ph.D., established his private psychology practice in River Edge, New Jersey, more than 40 years ago. Away from his practice, Herb Tannenbaum, Ph.D., enjoys following New York Yankees baseball. Dr. Herb Tannenbaum is an especially big fan of New York’s retired stars Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera.

Despite the franchise’s storied history of excellence, there are few New York Yankees pitchers who statistically can rival the cumulative impact of Mariano Rivera. Widely regarded as the greatest closing pitcher of all time, Rivera leads the franchise in wins above replacement value at 56.6, a great case for the pitcher’s long-term value.

At 2.21, Rivera maintains the second lowest earned run average (ERA) of any New York pitcher, trailing only Rich Gossage’s 2.14. It should be noted that Rivera pitched 1,283 innings compared to Gossage’s 533.

As a closer, Rivera does not rank particularly high on franchise lists, such as all-time wins. He does, however, lead all Yankees pitchers with 1.000 walks and hits per innings pitched rating.

Rivera ranks at or near the top of similar lists, such as hits allowed per nine innings, strikeouts per nine innings, and strikeouts to base on balls ratings. Rivera’s 0.70 ERA in the postseason is not only a Yankees record but the best mark in the history of professional baseball. The same can be said for Rivera’s 652 career saves.

Parental Considerations and Responses to Bullying

Bullying pic

Image: verywell.com

Though Herb Tannenbaum, PhD, has built most of his career on relationship counseling for couples, he has also established his expertise in child psychology. Dr. Herb Tannenbaum has served for several years as the director of a children’s day camp and has been invited to offer lectures and lead workshops on various aspects of child development, including the persistent problem of bullying.

Exact statistics can vary because of differing definitions of “bullying” and methods of reporting, but in general, traditional bullying has seen a decrease only to be replaced by cyberbullying. Regardless of its form, however, it’s a critical issue because those targeted by bullies are more likely to engage in violence, bring weapons to school, struggle academically, and experience both physical and mental health issues.

Parental response is a key element in addressing bullying. Helpful actions include informing the child that bullying is not uncommon nor the fault of the child, listening to the child’s concerns without offering judgment or reaction, and building the child’s self-confidence through developing extracurricular skills and talents. Actions a parent should avoid include scolding the child, assigning blame, or encouraging any form of retribution. In the event that it becomes necessary to speak to the parents of the bully, offering analysis or judgment of their child is almost certain to cause offense and exacerbate the situation.

For those who discover their child is the bully in this situation, several common factors need to be considered. Many children who bully others do so because they are subjected to disrespect or disregard at home, acting out in order to gain a sense of power or draw attention. Children who are accustomed to leniency and unused to strict restraints might bully out of a sense of entitlement. In some cases, the child has trouble feeling empathy despite coming from a loving home and active parenting. In any case, it’s important to remember that a bully is still a child in need of guidance.

Herbism of the day: IF YOU WANT TO BE LOVED, BE A LOVER by Herb Tannenbaum, Ph.D.

February is famously known for Valentine’s Day- a day to celebrate love and the importance and sacredness of our love relationships.

The importance of celebrating the specialness of our adult love relationships and the one we love is critical to helping keep relationships meaningful and full of a sense of aliveness and passion.

According to Imago Relationship Therapy founded and developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen LeKelly Hunt, Ph.D. Relationships navigate through various stages in their evolution toward consciousness. The Romantic phase is the powerful elixir that allows us to bond and move forward into the magical mystery of adult love. It is often filled with a great sense of aliveness. There is a sense of familiarity, as if we know this person from another time in our lives. In addition, there is a sense of timelessness, as if we have known this person forever. Furthermore, there is a sense that we cannot live without this person in our lives as our sense of being depends on being in relationship with them. Finally, there is often a sense of wholeness that we get from being in romantic  relationship as if we are whole and fully alive. Ah, how sweet it is!

Inevitably, Romantic Love ebbs away and it is replaced by us not only seeing all the positives of our partners,  but we become aware of the parts of our partner that we don’t like or feel are  misattuned to our needs and that are re-wounding or hurtful to us. Often, folks reply with despair and a sense of hopeless tothis ienvitiable phenomenon. More importantly, often couples get stuck in this stage of the journey leading to less contact and connection. It becomes a power struggle in which each partner tires to will their way in the relationship or withholds in reaction to the hurt or pain they are experiencing. It is a dark time and leads to feelings of unsafety and defensiveness cascading to even more disconnection and despair.

The good news is that there is hope beyond the Power Struggle. In Imago Theory it is referred to as “the Conscious Relationship”. A conscious relationship calls for a tool for partners to stay in connection and to recognize that they are one as a couple and yet have a separate experience than their partner and that each partners world needs to be heard and validated.

In addition, partners need to refuel their relationship by consciously re-introducing caring behaviors form the past (that were lost in the power struggle) as well as being curious and finding out from their partner the ways they feel cared for and loved. Furthermore, by listening to your partner’s desires and surprising them with those behaviors helps shift the neuro-chemistry of the brain from reactive/defensive behaviors into a safer and less defensives ways to experience each other. Safety allows  partners to be more spontaneous and therefore experience more aliveness.

As Valentine’s day approaches, ask your partner how they feel loved and cared for.  Then,  do what you can, even stretch yourself, to help your partner know that you care enough to honor their needs. It is powerful step in creating a safe and passionate relationship with the one you love!

Herb Tannenbaum, Ph.D., contact me at drhtphd@gmail.com. or visit my webpage http://www.herbtannenbaumphd.com.


Couples Therapy Objectives in Imago Relationship Therapy

Getting the Love You Want pic

Getting the Love You Want
Image: imagorelationships.org

Herb Tannenbaum, Ph.D., is the founder and Executive Director of the Center for Effective Living, located in River Edge, New Jersey. In addition, Dr. Herb Tannenbaum has obtained certification as an Imago therapist and has served as a faculty member at the Institute for Imago Relationship Therapy since 1997.

Imago is a therapy method that combines Western psychology, behavioral science, and spiritual doctrine to form a unique love relationship theory that can be applied to both individual and couples therapy.

By helping those seeking or struggling with an intimate relationship adjust their thought processes through an understanding of intimacy defenses and how humans select intimate partners, Imago teaches clients new skills to conquer unconscious and detrimental behavior and ultimately foster “mutual healing and maturation.”

When working with couples, Imago therapy strives to:
Create a safe space for couples to interact and connect
Assist with the development of communication skills that will lead to improved understanding between the parties involved
Help with the transformation of frustration–which can result in a power struggle–into positive understanding and response to the partner’s needs
Develop the inward recognition and acceptance of the qualities within one’s self that provoke hostile feelings and may, in turn, be projected onto one’s partner.

Imago therapy is intended to improve the couple’s relationship and leave them feeling fulfilled and more connected to one another.


My work as an Imago Relationship Therapist underscores that one of the challenges that couples face as they move from the romantic love into the power struggle and continue on the journey to a conscious relationship is to be able to reframe tensions and what are perceived as disagreements as opportunities for growth.

Neuropsychological research underscored that being able to think positively allows people to use the resource of the neo-cortex as compared to thinking of situations as “problems” or “challenges” invites more of the old brain structures of the brain to be leading the way. The “old brain” is much more susceptible to reactivity and thus folks can go into “fight or flight” type responses.

Being able to shift to seeing any situation as something that can have a solution harnesses an expansive way of thinking. For couples this is particularly important as they move toward consciousness. Consciousness calls the couple to stay in connection and to learn to navigate moving from emotional symbiosis to differentiation which means accepting that their partner is different and the tension of the difference in the relationship is an opportunity go grow and expand one’s sense of self and access to core energy. 

One of the key experiences that people report about the mulfliouness of romantic love is that there is a feeling of being so alive.  That feeling of aliveness is about core energy. Chanigning the paradigm form “problems’ to “solutions” is about accessing core energy for growth and expansion and allows people to feel more alive. In an adult love relationship the shift from “problems” to “solutions” as a way of connecting and interacting allows the relationship to become a soure and resource for more of a sense of aliveness. 

Given our desire to feel fully alive the paradigm shift of seeing opportunites in everything we do as a way of creating solutions–particularly solutions that promote safety and growth — is a critical path for couples to embrace and integrate into thier relatinship.

For more infomation visit my web site http://www.herbtannenbaumphd.com or vist me Facebook Page: herb tannenbaum phd.